Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”