I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
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“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
tis the season
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
who will stop them
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)