boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
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[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Bond. Trauma bond.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Worst perfume name ever.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.