Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.