What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
The best plant holders?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.