Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
You Might Also Like
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.