Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
You Might Also Like
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Software Development ⛵️
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary