It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
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“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
The funk soul brother
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)