I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
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Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes