Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
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”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I only treason on days ending in y
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’