Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
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please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
The French cow says MEUX…
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.