Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
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Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”