βοΈπ§π» π π¦
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BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
βI see youβre going somewhere. Guess Iβll walk right in front of you.β
β kids, pets, spouses
Marriage isnβt for everyone, especially for married people
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Me: this math stuff isnβt gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying βbless youβ I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Her: Iβm hungry. If you loved me youβd give me breakfast in bed π
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Shaggy: look out, itβs a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: thereβs no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didnβt say anything about staying in the exam room
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*