Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
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i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
birds and squirrels envy us
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
When can I start eating bats again.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
this is 10/10 content no notes
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*