RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
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*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water