friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
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*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?