A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
You Might Also Like
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Life with a cat in one tweet
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.