hmm conte-me mais
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Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
#gardening
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.