Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
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It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The glory of fall.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.