*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
You Might Also Like
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
catch me on valentine’s day like
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.