[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
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As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Not all heroes wear capes…
just make the entire table out of coaster
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.