Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
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One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?