My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
There is no try. There is only give up.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice