Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
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Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
when you don’t want to be too vague
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted