I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
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[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Don’t talk down to me