Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
You Might Also Like
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him