if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
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The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
don’t we all
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.