People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
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What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
The symmetry is uncanny.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs