If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
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a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys