Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
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ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
*me flirting
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…