[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
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I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
s
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Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.