Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
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Haha good job!!
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
How it started How it’s going
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
*gets down on one knee*
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?