[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
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‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.