When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
You Might Also Like
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests