Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”