Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
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I told my vodka about you.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Happy thanksgiving!
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading