i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Its true…
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.