Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
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I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
From Facebook just now…
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep