Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
You Might Also Like
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..