Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
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But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
*Seductively hides in the woods
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me trying to walk in a dream
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho