Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
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“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.