People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
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ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers