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[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Mad Max Arctic Road
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
ready to be harvested
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?