the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
You Might Also Like
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
My work here is don’t.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage