This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.