Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
You Might Also Like
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
how was your vacation
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”