Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
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Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My love language is hissing.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Pringles
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?