it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
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Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.