I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
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They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”