me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
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Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.